Thursday, June 2, 2011

Experiencing dating

Not too long ago I was in the bank waiting patiently in line even though I was anxious to go home. As I was standing there waiting a young man came behind me in the line as well. Shortly after, a friend of his happened to come in line too. I didn't mean to eaves drop but they were loud enough and I am not sure they were mindful of it either. Nevertheless, the topic of their love life came up. 

The 'friend' asked the 'young man' about his girlfriend and if they are still together - apparently these friends haven't seen each other for years. The 'young man' replied that yes, in fact him and the girlfriend are still together and they are living together now. He didn't hesitate to follow stating that his girlfriend is actually a really good girl. My thoughts started to run wild thinking of what a good girl would be like? The 'young man' probably read my mind that my curiosity was climbing through the roof, even though he couldn't see my face, he immediately followed stating that "She's a really good girl, she cleans, cooks, does laundry and pays the bills”. I couldn't help it, I turned around and gave him a stare: REALLY? There was silence. Shortly after my turn to do my banking came along and I went about my business. 

I couldn't take my mind off of this incident since. I personally haven't been dating for a while, my choice. I decided to figure out what is it that I want from life but most importantly from myself. I had made a decision to become self employed and that takes discipline and sometimes I have to make sacrifices including dating or lack of it. For the last little while I have noticed how some of my friends, gotta love them, are suggesting that they know of someone that would be suitable for me. Hmmm Do I want to be set up with someone in this way? To answer for short: NO! So I took the matter into my own hands and decided to be open to invitations from men that are approaching me in a respectful manner and the ones which I had thought were cute (I will be honest, the first impressions are still the looks of a man followed by the brains).  This dating experience had been quite different to say the least. Men were having high standards from a woman yet they didn't have them high enough from themselves. There were many issues that came up; some of them were quite entertaining:
  • Who is going to pick up the bill
Men have this idea that when taking a woman on a date there has to be this 'equality' going on. I agree, equality has to take place so that it will all be fair for both parties. Depending of the stage of the relationship there are different standards of who pays for what and what equality means to that particular couple. I personally like to pay for my share when I go out on a first date. This gesture gives me the upper hand to make the decision of going on a second date or not. Later in the relationship, if there is to be one, things will have to be shared equal so if I cook, clean and do his laundry therefore he should pick up the bill when we go out and make sure we go out on a regular basis. Does that make me materialistic?  
  • Past relationships
Whatever happened in the past it is better left there. In my opinion, if people believe that everyone is the same as their ex no one will be dating again unless they had separated in good terms, a healthy version of a bad break up. The past teaches us to know what to look for in our future partners and not necessarily put them in the same basket. A simple fact: if you do not want your future partners to put you in the same basket as their exes, you set the bar high yourself and place your future partners where you would like to be. 
  • Income
This issue is quite delicate. If you do not want your income disclosed on the first date do not ask the other person how much do they make a year, a month or by hour! Why the need to know? If you do not like someone to start with, their income is not going to make them more attractive, will it? 
  • Friends 
"Tell me who your friends are and I tell you who you are". Really? So if my friends chose to live their life a certain way that makes me them? To a certain degree I do agree with this concept, hence why I 'recycle' my friend's list once in a while. I do agree with the fact that some friends can be like glue and quite poisonous but pick your battles as to who you are going to get rid of. And if the 'date' sets standards for whom your friends should be, I do not recommend a second date, s/he already is controlling.    
  • Children
A lot of men out there expect to be 'involved' in the life of a woman's children. They just need to relax. Just because I have children and we are on a date this doesn't make you their father. I do not mind to have someone included in the upbringing of my children if that someone is a big part of my life and we both have the same standards and values when it comes to raising children. But please refrain from telling a woman how to raise her children because any woman with a head on her shoulder will tell you this: She makes the ultimate decision how to raise her children since she is the one responsible for their outcome.

Overall I realized that going back to the dating game is hard and if the effort is not spent by both parties it will never go beyond the first few dates. I am not an expert nor do I want you to think I am one, but I like to choose common sense pertaining to my lifestyle when it comes to this issue. In anticipation of having to go there again I will be going back to my work. Hopefully we will meet at some point!

Choose safe dating! 


Erin said...

Doina, I found you on twitter! I followed your blog! I bet when you heard this man explain about his "really good girl" you just wanted to scream. You would think we would have come further than that as a society! Stop by and visit me at

Doina said...

Hi Erin,

Thank you for your interest in my blog. I am following back. I take interest on blogs which are empowering such as yours. Yes, I did feel like screaming when the man was talking about his satisfaction with his girlfriend.

BTW: I really like your saying "Life is not about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself" It's my personal motto!

Thank you! Looking forward to reading your blog entries!

BurgessCT said...

Doina - a great piece - it isn't about who does what, but rather what we create as a person, a pair, a community, etc. Thanks for writing and the young man in line reminded me of a leach (but that would be impolite to say) so we shall say - he may come around to understand if he doesn't contribute materialistically, financially and spiritually he shall find himself alone, albeit inline.


Doina said...

Thank you Christopher! You are right it always takes two to make things work or break them for that matter.

Cheers! D.