Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Who am I?

This thought I have had in my head for a while now and I need to get it out before I SCREAM it out: I don't believe in people having to be judged by the families they were blessed to be born in. What do I mean by that? When people meet each other they often look at the other's family to see if that other person is suitable to become a mate or even a friend. Truth is, I am somewhat offended by this matter. Why? Because there are so many mixes in my family that I don't even know where I fit sometimes.

On my mother's side of the family I have some great people that have thought me the basics on survival and how to make it in Canada although most of them have never even been in a plane to get here themselves. They provided me with that backbone that everyone must have in order to be great human beings. My mother's side of the family was very close and showed affection towards me growing up. While spending time with them I could be myself and although there was occasional bugging it was never with poor taste. I remember many times while spending summers at my aunt's place in the village and how she was making me work so hard but at the end she always made sure she gave me money and the tears that were coming out of her eyes were just too much to bear so I would cry too wishing I never had to go back home even though I miss my home so much. The memories that I have made while with my mother's side of the family are the same memories I wish my children would experience at least in a day of their life time. At the same time there are some mess-ups that are part of my loving family from my mother side that were ( they are dead now) alcoholics. The fights that I have seen taking place while my uncle was drunk, I had made a vow to myself to never endure such thing from anyone I am with. I have learned how to survive in this world and how to stay true to myself because of the loving side of my mother's family but I have also learned that whenever I mate with someone I do not like and approve of the overdose of the alcohol consumption. I am an occasional drinker and that is good enough for me. The first time in my life I got drunk I was 27 during my birthday party. Many of the people that came to my birthday party have bought me a drink. There were about 30 people and after the first 7 have got me drinks, I don't remember much, in fact most of the memories are from pictures and from what my friends have told me. Everyone had called me the next day to tell me that they wish to see me drunk again as I am a happy drunk. I didn't get drunk since, I did get tipsy though and I do know when to stop. I got drunk recently while I was at my friend's house, but let's just leave that there as I was responsible enough not to drive under the influence and I know my friend will not let me do that either.

On my father's side of the family there are some people that I miss not keeping in touch with but most of them I was not that much associated with as there was this distance between them and I am not referring to kilometers. My father was never around much when I was a child, he was working as a sailor and that kept him away from us most of the days. And even those days he was home he wasn't around much especially as I got older, he always had to go somewhere partying and keeping up appearances he did not have. He was also a womanizer trying to screw every woman that was alive and he never hid it from my mother and she had to endure it because "those were the times" as she always says. A recent side of my father that I have discovered since he was away for about 10 years as he moved to Canada, is that he is racist beyond words and he is an abuser as he abused me in more than one way, and I am not ready to go into details at the moment. I always felt as an outsider when I was around my father's side of the family. The positive side is that my father is the one that thought me how to read and write, math and how to use my critical thinking. He always kept his word when he made a promise and he loved to dance with me. One of my cousins, unfortunately he is dead now, was the person that I was looking forward to seeing and spending time with when I was around this side of the family. Everyone else was just too much for me to handle. I remember times when I used to beg my mother not to go visit my father's mother because she would always wine about something and she would favor my other cousins. That was not the environment I wanted to be in but she would always make me go even though tears were coming down my cheeks begging her to change her mind. Now, if I know myself well enough to say that although I do have faults the part that I took from my father's side is the positive way I spend with my children teaching them the love of books and to keep their word. We also dance a lot.

So, to analyze myself, I can say that I have taken many good and bad attitudes from both my parents but does that mean that I have to be compared to them? I don't think so as I am an individual and I am not them or the family that I come from. I am definitely not an alcoholic and I am not a distant person. I am not an abuser and I have never cheated on someone I have been with. I have, however become this woman that does not care too much for a relationship as I have been through trials and tribulations with my past relationships and, unlike my mother, I do not believe in "the times" being the way they might be as I have taken myself away from two relationships where children were involved because I refused to be in the same situation as she was. Just as my mother, I have accomplished many things when it comes to survival. Coming to Canada alone has given me the tools to survive in any situation I am in and, as one of my friends says all the time, "I'm not too proud to beg" either. I can definitely keep up appearances that I DO have. I do take time to spend with my children and I make sure that I tell them I love them on a daily basis.

If there is ever an occasion arising, where you might meet me, do me a favor and don't ask me about my family unless you  are ready to hear the truth. And don't judge me by their life as I am NOT them. A piece of advice: get to know ME first. See who I AM. See what I AM about and then and actually not even then judge me. I am sure that if I get to turn the tables around the story is not better off than mine so think again before wanting to know so much. Take your time!

Love, D.

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