Guest blogger Stephanie Titus-Andrews, Professional Trainer and Life Coach from Created to Excel.
December 6th is a solemn day in Canada.
Today, I pay homage to that day, and recount how it has affected my
life. My name is Stephanie, and I am a
Victor over abuse.
We remember December
6th, 1989, because of a deranged man.
This man snuffed out the lives of fourteen innocent women. That morning, those women and their families
woke up and went through their normal routine.
They went to work, went to school or maybe stayed home, thinking that
nothing out of the ordinary would happen that day. But they were very wrong. The mothers and fathers of those women never
saw their baby girls again. Some others lost
a sister, a niece, a granddaughter, a friend.
They never got a chance to hug, kiss or say goodbye to their loved-one
ever again.
Ironically, I got
married that same year. I did not even
think about that until recently, as I was gathering facts for this blog. I entered my years of torture just as these
young women's torture was coming to an end.
The only difference was that no one knew my torture was as bad as it
was.
What makes one person
cross the line from anger to abuse? We
all get angry at some point in time. By
stating that fact, I, by no means, say that I am a saint in this category. However, some people cross the line and
really hurt other people while they are angry, either with words, their body,
weapons, or all three. And, although
most people don't think about it, the damage done by words can be just as deadly
as if a knife or a gun was used.
For many years, I had
the weapon of words used against me.
Some people may say, "Why didn't you just stand up for
yourself"? If your self-esteem is
non-existent in the first place, then it is very hard to stand up for
yourself. Combine that with my faith beliefs
that a woman is to listen to her husband, then you have a potent-abuse
cocktail.
For 23 years, I endured
put-downs, criticism and jokes made at my expense. Angry outbursts came and went without
warning. I mastered the art of crying
into my pillow at night without being heard. Most people don't know that there
is a "system" that abusers follow.
First there is a trigger event.
Nothing could have been wrong previously, it just happens when you least
expect it. Next, there is the
flare-up. The abuser will lash out with
words, weapons, or both. However, it is
usually only at the female partner, and sometimes the children. Finally, there is the honeymoon stage. This is where the abuser will become
repentant--but with a twist. They might
say things like, "I'm sorry Sweetie, but you just make me so angry!" Or, "If you'd just do this or that, I
wouldn't get so angry all the time."
In other words, they are not sorry at all. They are just looking to blame someone
else. The honeymoon stage may last for
hours or years. My
"honeymoons" lasted for weeks, months and years. Towards the end, it was lasting for
hours. As a result of the honeymoon
stage, some women think, "It's not so bad.
Maybe I was just overreacting!"
Generally, the main
reason that a woman stays in an abusive relationship is money. She does not believe that she can make it on
her own. I was no exception to this
rule. When I tried to further my
education to make more money, I was badgered about spending time away from the
family. When I didn't work, I was
lazy. If I worked, I was negligent. I couldn't win for losing! As a result of going in and out of the job
market, I never really advanced financially.
But, there comes a time
when you either resign yourself to the fact that this is your plot in life
(usually when you are older), or you say, "Enough is enough!" After two attempts at leaving, including one
shelter stay, I decided that I had had enough!
I did not have a lot of finances by any means, but I was determined that
I was not going to put up with being put-down any more. Surely, the God that I served had a bigger
plan for my life!
After I left for the
final time, I stayed in a shelter far
from where I had previously lived.
Although it was hard having two people stay in an 8'X10' room, I was
thankful for the peace of mind. My
youngest daughter stayed with me, and we prayed for her two older
siblings. We also prayed for a specific
type of place for us all to stay together.
When I was ready to
move on my own, December 6 touched my life once more. Somewhere, someone thought that it would be
great to start a fund for Greater Toronto Area women who were victims of
abuse. As a tribute to the women who
died unnecessariIy, it was named the December 6 Fund. The helpful counsellors at the shelter
assured me that I met the Fund criteria.
After assisting me with the application process, I was able to benefit
from the December 6 Fund. This Fund is a
non-interest bearing loan that women can pay back in small amounts, allowing
them to get back on their feet. I have
further benefited at Christmas with gifts and gift cards to help my family and
myself. There is probably something in
every room of my home that I have gotten with the assistance of the December 6
Fund. I can truly say that, without this
help, I would not be as far as I am on my
road to independence. It was not
just a handout, it was a hand up.
My prayer is that you
see the problem of Violence Against Women, and help in some small way. Abuse is not just physical. There is also emotional, mental, financial,
and even spiritual abuse. There is
probably someone in your life that you can think of who is living in an abusive
situation. These women need anchors.
They need to know that someone will be there for them when they are
ready to leave. They may need financial
help, or a place to stay. But most of
all, they will need emotional support and a shoulder to cry on when they finally
decide to leave. Don't give up on this
friend or relative. If you are a person
of faith, pray!
The abusive
relationship is a very complex one. Be
an enlightened person and read up on abusive relationships. Some books are listed at the bottom of this
blog. I did not have people in my life
that knew about my situation. This made
it even harder to leave. That is typical
of an abusive relationship. However, you
can be atypical. Make a difference in
the life of a woman who is screaming on the inside.
Although innocent lives
were lost on December 6th, 1989, a good Cause came out of that tragedy. (I am in no way minimizing the fact that
fourteen women died unnecessarily.) I am
now using my life to Coach women who are going through divorce, especially if
there was some sort of abuse in the relationship. I want to help these women to live empowered
lives. My goal is to show them how to forgive the people who hurled rocks at
them, even if the intent was to do damage.
By analyzing, forgiving, and moving on, these abused women can move from
being victims to Vibrant Victors! If I
help just one woman, I have achieved my goal!
Stephanie Titus-Andrews
Recovery Coach, Speaker,
Author of 156 Days to Freedom
(Soon-to-be-released)
Why Does He Do That?, by Lundy Bancroft (A former domestic
violence cop)
The Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans
Not To People Like Us, by Dr. Susan Weitzman (upscale abuse)
Preventabusiverelationships.com, Dr. Jeanne King
Shrink4men.com, Dr. Tara J. Palmatier (for men in
abusive relationships)
Please check out the following exhaustive Abusive Relationship Checklist. It is American, but is by far one of the most
in-depth ones that I have encountered.
Stephanie is a great coach to women and men providing support when escaping an abusive relationships. She provides a monthly FREE call on a variety of related topics in addition to empowering workshops. For more information or to get in touch with her for an anonymous consultation please check out her website at CreatedToExcel.ca
If you would like to support women and their children escaping abuse please visit www.ernestines.ca to support the 10 Great Men Campaign which will end on December 10.
